For the past few weeks, Alice has done nothing but talk of the transfer student. Perhaps it's because the residents of this town don't change much and everything is simply placid. Simply boring. The last new person to come here was me and I haven't turned out to be Miss Popular or anything of the sort. Maybe she's hoping this one's different, as in not like me, as in someone she can relate to, not be relied on by.
I never know why she remains as my friend. I think pity, but then I wonder how much pity one person can hold within herself. Hypothetically speaking of course, there has to be one breaking moment where said person will lash out at the good-for-nothing and perhaps we will then see her at her lowest.
I must sound like a horrible person at times. I don't know how else to think though. Maybe I am supposed to be this strange. I never feel as if my dreams are normal. If one part of my mind suffers psychosis, what gives the others immunity?
Daniel has been scarce at home. I want to know where he's disappeared to. I don't know what he does for a job, assuming he has one at all. Part of me is worried, what if he's doing something illegal or horrible. And then part of that part of me wants to find out and save him before he hits the ruins and another part just wants to keep my nose out of his business. What good is it if I get involved, won't I just become another victim, another suspect in an investigation?
If ignorance equals bliss, then I choose to be bliss and reluctantly ignorant. I do my best not to space out during class. I go home and if Daniel is there, I make small normal talk with him, and if he is not, I try to stop myself from having small abnormal talk with myself.
And so it has become that I have been living an uncertain cycle of life. I should have perfectly blended in with this town, but I have not. Yet I'm sure my days are just as routine as anyone elses. I suffer, I stutter, I sleep and dream nonsense.
I can only wait, as Alice does, until someone breaks our curse of monotony. Then who will know what happens?
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Eleven
Down the road there is a pond, and up the road, there is me, looking for the pond. I have been wandering around this wasteland for days, searching for some inkling of life or something that will tell me where life is. I see the dried shrubs and the littered trash, but I do not see my life. I do not see my home. I think I fell somewhere. I fell somewhere and landed here, in this wasteland.
I am looking for the pond. I have never seen one in my life. My life is gone, so I look for the pond. I think that if I were to have seen it, I would still be, and would have not fallen.
My feet are achy and dry. I do not know how long I have been walking here. One day I was home, and now I have fallen. Now I am fallen. I continue to walk. I walk until my feet feel something cool, something other than the rocks and gravel that are tearing through my skin with every step, something other than the dirt of this wasteland. My feet feel it, then my ankles, then my thighs, then I am submerged. I am falling again. I am sinking. I am floating. I am living. I am no longer in the wasteland. I see my home. I see the clouds. I see the flowers. I see my life. I see the life I had before, the life I was before, before I had fallen, before I was fallen.
I see myself. I see him, and her, and them, and all. I see all. I know all. I heard all. I thought all. I remembered all.
I remember all.
I woke up.
That was all.
I am looking for the pond. I have never seen one in my life. My life is gone, so I look for the pond. I think that if I were to have seen it, I would still be, and would have not fallen.
My feet are achy and dry. I do not know how long I have been walking here. One day I was home, and now I have fallen. Now I am fallen. I continue to walk. I walk until my feet feel something cool, something other than the rocks and gravel that are tearing through my skin with every step, something other than the dirt of this wasteland. My feet feel it, then my ankles, then my thighs, then I am submerged. I am falling again. I am sinking. I am floating. I am living. I am no longer in the wasteland. I see my home. I see the clouds. I see the flowers. I see my life. I see the life I had before, the life I was before, before I had fallen, before I was fallen.
I see myself. I see him, and her, and them, and all. I see all. I know all. I heard all. I thought all. I remembered all.
I remember all.
I woke up.
That was all.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Ten
As the sunlight's drifting farther
and the rest seems just as bleak,
you'll find me nowhere closer
with the limpness in my feet.
I've always been told sad songs would make you feel worse when you're down. Oddly enough, the depression seems to comfort my soul.
.
Weeks passed through the school year and just like before, I could feel myself detach from the other kids in my class. Now Alice is the only one who talks to me. Jane talks to anything and Mary doesn't talk at all. During classes, I stare out the window and daydream. The clouds are really nice when the sun's also out.
The four of us have discarded our ice cream outings. We now run to the nearest shops and sip on hot chocolate to maintain our body temperature. I still feel cold no matter what.
Lately I've been having odd dreams again. They usually involve people I think I know, but deffinately have never seen before. It takes place somewhere where I feel afraid to fall from. No one ever says much in them, but the things they do say seem very profound and deep--at least from what I can remember. I always forget the faces and dialogues when I wake up, but they are easily recognizable later on.
I've wondered if I should tell Alice about them, but I feel as though this is something I should keep to myself.
.
I've noticed something strange about Daniel. He leaves early in the morning every day and doesn't come home until late at night. I wonder what he does. He had a job, but I don't think he can work for that long. He never tells me anything. Whenever I ask, he always switches the subject. Sometimes I wonder if he's honestly okay.
.
Alice tells me that a new kid our age is moving into Harbourtown with his parents and that he will be in our class. She seems excited, like this kid is going to be her new best friend or something. I kind of hope I can get along with whoever this will be, but I disregard it as false hope.
.
and the rest seems just as bleak,
you'll find me nowhere closer
with the limpness in my feet.
I've always been told sad songs would make you feel worse when you're down. Oddly enough, the depression seems to comfort my soul.
.
Weeks passed through the school year and just like before, I could feel myself detach from the other kids in my class. Now Alice is the only one who talks to me. Jane talks to anything and Mary doesn't talk at all. During classes, I stare out the window and daydream. The clouds are really nice when the sun's also out.
The four of us have discarded our ice cream outings. We now run to the nearest shops and sip on hot chocolate to maintain our body temperature. I still feel cold no matter what.
Lately I've been having odd dreams again. They usually involve people I think I know, but deffinately have never seen before. It takes place somewhere where I feel afraid to fall from. No one ever says much in them, but the things they do say seem very profound and deep--at least from what I can remember. I always forget the faces and dialogues when I wake up, but they are easily recognizable later on.
I've wondered if I should tell Alice about them, but I feel as though this is something I should keep to myself.
.
I've noticed something strange about Daniel. He leaves early in the morning every day and doesn't come home until late at night. I wonder what he does. He had a job, but I don't think he can work for that long. He never tells me anything. Whenever I ask, he always switches the subject. Sometimes I wonder if he's honestly okay.
.
Alice tells me that a new kid our age is moving into Harbourtown with his parents and that he will be in our class. She seems excited, like this kid is going to be her new best friend or something. I kind of hope I can get along with whoever this will be, but I disregard it as false hope.
.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Nine
"Daz-u, what colors do you like?"
Dazu, is what she called me. The way she emphasized the syllables made her sound cute and innocent, like a younger sibling who looked up to me.
"I don't really...have a preference."
At my apathetic answeres, she would tilt her head as if to ponder for a moment. Then lifting it back up, she swung her arms behind her and smiled.
"I think blue is nice. Light blue, like the sky." She stretched her neck back, to look up. "The sky would be a nice place to visit." Her optimism somehow balanced my indifference.
Somehow this dream seemed more real than others. It seemed more like a memory. I did not question it or wonder when I would wake up. Of course, that is how dreams usually are, but I felt at home here, in this meadow I so wished to return to. It was a cruel mix of nostalgia and homesickness.
"I wouldn't mind visiting it either." My gaze above me stood unbroken.
The breeze that carried the clouds carressed my face and caused me to relax even more. I felt like drifting away.
"Let's promise then." She stood resolute.
"Hm?" I turned my head slightly in curiosity.
"To the sky. Both of us." She grinned widely. "I want to see what it's like. You too, right?"
No, it's different for me. A different type of homesickness crept into my heart. I had no idea why.
"Mhm," was all I could murmur, which she took as agreement.
She giggled softly and laid down next to me to gaze at the sky. "I can't wait," she said.
To this day, I wonder, if that promise was even possible to keep.
Dazu, is what she called me. The way she emphasized the syllables made her sound cute and innocent, like a younger sibling who looked up to me.
"I don't really...have a preference."
At my apathetic answeres, she would tilt her head as if to ponder for a moment. Then lifting it back up, she swung her arms behind her and smiled.
"I think blue is nice. Light blue, like the sky." She stretched her neck back, to look up. "The sky would be a nice place to visit." Her optimism somehow balanced my indifference.
Somehow this dream seemed more real than others. It seemed more like a memory. I did not question it or wonder when I would wake up. Of course, that is how dreams usually are, but I felt at home here, in this meadow I so wished to return to. It was a cruel mix of nostalgia and homesickness.
"I wouldn't mind visiting it either." My gaze above me stood unbroken.
The breeze that carried the clouds carressed my face and caused me to relax even more. I felt like drifting away.
"Let's promise then." She stood resolute.
"Hm?" I turned my head slightly in curiosity.
"To the sky. Both of us." She grinned widely. "I want to see what it's like. You too, right?"
No, it's different for me. A different type of homesickness crept into my heart. I had no idea why.
"Mhm," was all I could murmur, which she took as agreement.
She giggled softly and laid down next to me to gaze at the sky. "I can't wait," she said.
To this day, I wonder, if that promise was even possible to keep.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Eight
Weeks passed and just like that summer ended and the school year began. I never really liked school here much. I can't remember any other places to compare it to, but I always felt like this was the worst place to be. My only friends are Alice, Jane, and Mary, and if they're not around, I tend to feel lonely.
Harbourtown is not a big town. It's the type of place where everyone knows everyone, yet not that many people know me. I always feel like an outsider.
The first day of school is no different. As we take turns introducing ourselves in class, I can feel my stomach churning my breakfast along with fear and anxiety. I am not comfortable around other people. When it is my turn to stand and say my name, I almost blank out.
"D-d-daz," is all I can stutter.
The teacher probably would've asked me for my last name as well if she didn't see how nervous I looked. Instead she gave me a sympathetic look before calling out "Next, then."
I sink into my seat again and keep my eyes on my desktop. I can't see anyone else this way, which is better. I can hear two guys snickering in the back far end of the room. I can feel Alice's eyes on me. She's concerned, I know that. She feels bad for me, I suppose. But when it is her turn, she stands up with enough flawlessness and poise for me to look up again and introduces herself gracefully. Alice is the type of person everyone admires for some reason.
Jane announces her presence in her usual haughty way. Some other girls roll their eyes and I'm thankful no one is focusing on my embarrasing incident. Mary is her usual shy self, but doesn't stutter like me.
After lectures, class overviews and a number of awkward encounters, school is over for the day. I'm so tired from the ordeal, I refused Alice's invitation to icecream. I told her that I just really wanted to sleep.
She dragged me along anyway.
At the ice cream shop, the young cashier looked nervous as Jane explicitly reviewed every flavor on the menu. Mary shrugged with a sheepish glance as if to try to apologize. I wanted to ask about Jane's diet, but I honestly did not feel like talking.
Alice orders my favorite dish for me: vanilla with caramel and chocolate cookie crumbs. Smiling in gratitude I hold my hand out and accept her gift.
We all walk to our regular stoop on an old abandoned building on the western side of the town, away from the beach and ocean so no one disturbs us. As usual, Jane turns the conversation into a one-sided account of her day. Mary smiles and jokes that aren't too funny and Alice tries to interject with her usual politeness. I eat my ice cream slowly, allowing it to melt a little.
Looking up at the sky, I notice that the sun is starting to set earlier than before. The breezes are cooler and before I know it, winter will overtake this town again. It's never too bad, not that much snow compared to slush and sleet, but it's cold enough to make me hate living here.
I want to move far away sometimes, maybe live in the sky. I wonder what kind of weather lies above the clouds.
Harbourtown is not a big town. It's the type of place where everyone knows everyone, yet not that many people know me. I always feel like an outsider.
The first day of school is no different. As we take turns introducing ourselves in class, I can feel my stomach churning my breakfast along with fear and anxiety. I am not comfortable around other people. When it is my turn to stand and say my name, I almost blank out.
"D-d-daz," is all I can stutter.
The teacher probably would've asked me for my last name as well if she didn't see how nervous I looked. Instead she gave me a sympathetic look before calling out "Next, then."
I sink into my seat again and keep my eyes on my desktop. I can't see anyone else this way, which is better. I can hear two guys snickering in the back far end of the room. I can feel Alice's eyes on me. She's concerned, I know that. She feels bad for me, I suppose. But when it is her turn, she stands up with enough flawlessness and poise for me to look up again and introduces herself gracefully. Alice is the type of person everyone admires for some reason.
Jane announces her presence in her usual haughty way. Some other girls roll their eyes and I'm thankful no one is focusing on my embarrasing incident. Mary is her usual shy self, but doesn't stutter like me.
After lectures, class overviews and a number of awkward encounters, school is over for the day. I'm so tired from the ordeal, I refused Alice's invitation to icecream. I told her that I just really wanted to sleep.
She dragged me along anyway.
At the ice cream shop, the young cashier looked nervous as Jane explicitly reviewed every flavor on the menu. Mary shrugged with a sheepish glance as if to try to apologize. I wanted to ask about Jane's diet, but I honestly did not feel like talking.
Alice orders my favorite dish for me: vanilla with caramel and chocolate cookie crumbs. Smiling in gratitude I hold my hand out and accept her gift.
We all walk to our regular stoop on an old abandoned building on the western side of the town, away from the beach and ocean so no one disturbs us. As usual, Jane turns the conversation into a one-sided account of her day. Mary smiles and jokes that aren't too funny and Alice tries to interject with her usual politeness. I eat my ice cream slowly, allowing it to melt a little.
Looking up at the sky, I notice that the sun is starting to set earlier than before. The breezes are cooler and before I know it, winter will overtake this town again. It's never too bad, not that much snow compared to slush and sleet, but it's cold enough to make me hate living here.
I want to move far away sometimes, maybe live in the sky. I wonder what kind of weather lies above the clouds.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Seven
When I wake up, it is early morning, just after dawn. I am in my bed with the covers over me even. I have no idea how I ended up like this. Something happened last night, but I can't remember what. Did someone come? What was I doing?
Whatever it was, it is unnatural for everything to be so normal after such a night.
Unless, of course, it was just a dream.
But if felt way too real to be just a dream. Or do all dreams just feel like that?
Something clicks in my mind and an image appears in my mind. It disappears after a brief second, and I'm left to wonder what I just saw.
It looked like...a cloud. However it did not look like a typical cloud. Something about its shape and color. Those were deffinately off. It resembled something else, but I couldn't see what.
Massaging my temples, trying to make sense of what happened, I decide staying in bed will not help me figure out anything.
I slowly pull the covers off of me and tiptoe almost silently out of my room. Holding my breath while walking past my brother's room, I notice his door is open. I steal a glance and notice everything is a mess, more than usual. Maybe something really did happen. Daniel himself is sprawled across is bed. Visibly, he does not look okay at all. But his sonorous snoring signals he's completely fine.
As I walk around, I notice everything is the way it was when I last saw it the night before. There are still unwashed pots in the kitchen sink. A surprisingly neat pile of books lies near a chair. The pictures hung on the wall are still intact. Nothing is missing or broken that wasn't before.
Maybe it really was all just a dream.
I wonder...
I walk calmly back to my room, knowing that my brother is too knocked out to be woken up. I change into clean clothes and slip on a pair of sandals. Within a minute I am out the door.
.
It is still extremely early, and I have nowhere to go. It is colder than I expected, even though I am wearing a hooded zip-up sweater. My jeans only go down to just above my knee.
Another unusual thing happens. The cold doesn't bother me anymore.
I mean, it's still cold. I can feel it. But I am not shivering. Within a few moments of being outside, I have adjusted to the temperature. That never happened before. It feels like...I'm used to being like this.
I wonder...
.
Without knowing it, I find myself walking briskly to the lighthouse again. It is the only place I can even think of to go at this time. There are some early fishermen and crew members of ships, preparing to set sail, but otherwise, there is no one else around. Alice, Jane, and Mary would deffinately not even be awake.
It's no wonder alone and lonely are so similar words.
Sitting in my usual spot, I lean my head back to look up at the sky. The clouds today are thin and they stretch across the sky. It's as if a painter took his brush and just decided to paint a large strokes over the earth. The full moon is still out, but unlike last night it is uncovered and gleaming at this part of the world.
A breeze from the ocean gracefully flows into my lungs. I can even taste the salt in the air. I feel relaxed but have no need to rest.
Yet I should take advantage of this moment. Summer is disappearing too fast. In only a few weeks, I will be returning to school with those familiar strangers and distant friends. The warm days will be replaced by cooler ones and mornings sitting here will be traded for mad dashes to class on time.
I feel like any other kid who dislikes school. But there's something more. Every kid also has something to look forward too. Maybe it's seeing their friends again, or replacing the boredom of sitting at home with the boredom of sitting in class. There are even some who like learning. But for me, I can't think of anything I would want to see there again. Friends? Who are they to me? Who am I to them? Boredom? I'd take lazy afternoons over homework anyday. Learning?
I have to ponder on that one for a moment. Learning is something I want to do. I want to know more. However, school doesn't exactly answer the questions I am trying to figure out.
Again, I try to focus my mind on last night. What happened? I can't remember. It would be normal if it were a dream I suppose. Apparently most people don't remember those. However, every other dream I've had, I do remember. Even from my early childhood, I can see them in mind whenever I want to.
It's everything else about my life I can't remember. All I remember is coming to this town, and my brother. Me, my brother, and Harbourtown, and the people living in Harbourtown. It has only been two years since I have lived here, and two years of my life is all I know of.
I never even knew what parents were until one day when I saw a little boy walking hand in hand with those he called 'Mommy' and 'Daddy'. Alice was with me that day.
"What a adorable boy! Look at him running to his parents." She smiled and I did too, not knowing how to make sense of that statement.
Only after Jane asked me about my parents is when I asked Daniel about it.
She was discussing how noisy hers were. She went on and on with complaints about them. Alice and Mary would either laugh or show agreement with her. Everyone had a story about their mother or father. When it came to me, I just said it was just me and my brother.
"What about your parents?" Jane asked.
I just shrugged. It was quiet for a long time afterwards.
That night at dinner, I talked to Daniel about it. He hesitated before saying anything, looking at the soup we had made, swirling his spoon around in it.
"They're far away right now." is all he said before he went back to eating. I didn't say anything else, and the whole meal was eaten in silence.
After a week, I became more curious. I annoyed Daniel with all types of questions about our past.
"Where did we live before Harbourtown?" I blurted one day when Daniel was washing dishes.
"What?" he replied, a little surprised. He paused for a little while, not knowing what to say, I guess. Then he tried to laugh. "You don't remember?" A forced smile came across his face.
I shook my head. "I don't remember anything."
"Anything, huh."
"Not before this town."
He didn't seem particularly surprised this time. He just continued to rinse the plate in his hands. It was as if that was the answer he was expecting.
"Maybe we should see a doctor," he suggested.
"Hmm?" A doctor? I thought, why?
"It could be some kind of...mental...condition I guess," he proposed. "Maybe you had amnesia."
"Why can't you tell me?" I asked.
"Look, right now, I think we should focus on you," he said, changing the subject. "I'll call a hospital and ask for an appointment this week, okay?"
Disappointed, I nodded solemnly and went to my room. For some reason, that answer did not feel comfortable with me. If amnesia was really the reason behind my lack of memories, why did that go unsaid until now? How come Daniel wasn't more concerned with that? More importantly, why did Daniel act so weird whenever I asked about something from the past? He would always close up and wait for a while before he gave me an answer, which in the end, wasn't really an answer. It was some kind of excuse. It felt like he was avoiding something, or hiding something from me.
The doctors appointment did not come for another six months. Daniel had tried to act like he didn't remember it, probably hoping I would forget it.
Whatever it was, it is unnatural for everything to be so normal after such a night.
Unless, of course, it was just a dream.
But if felt way too real to be just a dream. Or do all dreams just feel like that?
Something clicks in my mind and an image appears in my mind. It disappears after a brief second, and I'm left to wonder what I just saw.
It looked like...a cloud. However it did not look like a typical cloud. Something about its shape and color. Those were deffinately off. It resembled something else, but I couldn't see what.
Massaging my temples, trying to make sense of what happened, I decide staying in bed will not help me figure out anything.
I slowly pull the covers off of me and tiptoe almost silently out of my room. Holding my breath while walking past my brother's room, I notice his door is open. I steal a glance and notice everything is a mess, more than usual. Maybe something really did happen. Daniel himself is sprawled across is bed. Visibly, he does not look okay at all. But his sonorous snoring signals he's completely fine.
As I walk around, I notice everything is the way it was when I last saw it the night before. There are still unwashed pots in the kitchen sink. A surprisingly neat pile of books lies near a chair. The pictures hung on the wall are still intact. Nothing is missing or broken that wasn't before.
Maybe it really was all just a dream.
I wonder...
I walk calmly back to my room, knowing that my brother is too knocked out to be woken up. I change into clean clothes and slip on a pair of sandals. Within a minute I am out the door.
.
It is still extremely early, and I have nowhere to go. It is colder than I expected, even though I am wearing a hooded zip-up sweater. My jeans only go down to just above my knee.
Another unusual thing happens. The cold doesn't bother me anymore.
I mean, it's still cold. I can feel it. But I am not shivering. Within a few moments of being outside, I have adjusted to the temperature. That never happened before. It feels like...I'm used to being like this.
I wonder...
.
Without knowing it, I find myself walking briskly to the lighthouse again. It is the only place I can even think of to go at this time. There are some early fishermen and crew members of ships, preparing to set sail, but otherwise, there is no one else around. Alice, Jane, and Mary would deffinately not even be awake.
It's no wonder alone and lonely are so similar words.
Sitting in my usual spot, I lean my head back to look up at the sky. The clouds today are thin and they stretch across the sky. It's as if a painter took his brush and just decided to paint a large strokes over the earth. The full moon is still out, but unlike last night it is uncovered and gleaming at this part of the world.
A breeze from the ocean gracefully flows into my lungs. I can even taste the salt in the air. I feel relaxed but have no need to rest.
Yet I should take advantage of this moment. Summer is disappearing too fast. In only a few weeks, I will be returning to school with those familiar strangers and distant friends. The warm days will be replaced by cooler ones and mornings sitting here will be traded for mad dashes to class on time.
I feel like any other kid who dislikes school. But there's something more. Every kid also has something to look forward too. Maybe it's seeing their friends again, or replacing the boredom of sitting at home with the boredom of sitting in class. There are even some who like learning. But for me, I can't think of anything I would want to see there again. Friends? Who are they to me? Who am I to them? Boredom? I'd take lazy afternoons over homework anyday. Learning?
I have to ponder on that one for a moment. Learning is something I want to do. I want to know more. However, school doesn't exactly answer the questions I am trying to figure out.
Again, I try to focus my mind on last night. What happened? I can't remember. It would be normal if it were a dream I suppose. Apparently most people don't remember those. However, every other dream I've had, I do remember. Even from my early childhood, I can see them in mind whenever I want to.
It's everything else about my life I can't remember. All I remember is coming to this town, and my brother. Me, my brother, and Harbourtown, and the people living in Harbourtown. It has only been two years since I have lived here, and two years of my life is all I know of.
I never even knew what parents were until one day when I saw a little boy walking hand in hand with those he called 'Mommy' and 'Daddy'. Alice was with me that day.
"What a adorable boy! Look at him running to his parents." She smiled and I did too, not knowing how to make sense of that statement.
Only after Jane asked me about my parents is when I asked Daniel about it.
She was discussing how noisy hers were. She went on and on with complaints about them. Alice and Mary would either laugh or show agreement with her. Everyone had a story about their mother or father. When it came to me, I just said it was just me and my brother.
"What about your parents?" Jane asked.
I just shrugged. It was quiet for a long time afterwards.
That night at dinner, I talked to Daniel about it. He hesitated before saying anything, looking at the soup we had made, swirling his spoon around in it.
"They're far away right now." is all he said before he went back to eating. I didn't say anything else, and the whole meal was eaten in silence.
After a week, I became more curious. I annoyed Daniel with all types of questions about our past.
"Where did we live before Harbourtown?" I blurted one day when Daniel was washing dishes.
"What?" he replied, a little surprised. He paused for a little while, not knowing what to say, I guess. Then he tried to laugh. "You don't remember?" A forced smile came across his face.
I shook my head. "I don't remember anything."
"Anything, huh."
"Not before this town."
He didn't seem particularly surprised this time. He just continued to rinse the plate in his hands. It was as if that was the answer he was expecting.
"Maybe we should see a doctor," he suggested.
"Hmm?" A doctor? I thought, why?
"It could be some kind of...mental...condition I guess," he proposed. "Maybe you had amnesia."
"Why can't you tell me?" I asked.
"Look, right now, I think we should focus on you," he said, changing the subject. "I'll call a hospital and ask for an appointment this week, okay?"
Disappointed, I nodded solemnly and went to my room. For some reason, that answer did not feel comfortable with me. If amnesia was really the reason behind my lack of memories, why did that go unsaid until now? How come Daniel wasn't more concerned with that? More importantly, why did Daniel act so weird whenever I asked about something from the past? He would always close up and wait for a while before he gave me an answer, which in the end, wasn't really an answer. It was some kind of excuse. It felt like he was avoiding something, or hiding something from me.
The doctors appointment did not come for another six months. Daniel had tried to act like he didn't remember it, probably hoping I would forget it.
.
To this day, I still do not know anything of my past. When my friends ask me, I either shrug or make up something. They know that they've lived here their entire lives or they might have lived somewhere else at one point. I am different from them all, even my skin color is darker than theirs. Daniel suggested that we have a different heritage than they. His answers are never certain...
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Six
That night, I am unable to sleep. Maybe it's because of the nap I took during the day. But somehow I feel it is something more. I feel disturbed, like a sinister darkness is lurking around my heart. I feel uneasy and I am all alone. My brother is still not home and there is no one else who lives with us.
My mind feels like it doesn't belong to me. The darkness trapping my heart is out to encase my thoughts and few memories as well. Nothing is natural. Urges to scream, cry, and laugh are merging into one mess, leaving me stranded and at a loss.
A mixture of fear and excitement is spurring within me. Why, I do not know. Why excitement of all emotions?
I look out the window into the night sky. The full moon is somewhat shrouded by thin almost transparent clouds. The night is calm but my heart is not.
Then suddenly, as if to match my unrest, I see something like a star appear right near the moon, a little under it, to the left. It glows and for a second I thought something passed through me. I hold my breath and the beating of my heart increased in speed and intensity.
Suddenly, images are flashing in front of my eyes. A weird feeling of nostalgia is coming over me. Snapshots of people and places I feel like I know are flooding through my mind. A girl surrounded by numerous books and other trinkets, a constant struggle between light and dark, a young man with something like darkness swirling in his eyes, a garden of flowers not known to this earth, a raging battle between the powerful and the misunderstood, majestic white rooms that rival heaven itself, a girl like the other flowing in a mixture of black and white, a sunset calmer yet more frightening than any other, a lavender castle-shaped cloud.
Something clicks. I have no knowledge of what is going on, but I can understand. I am unsure, but confident, for only a moment, I am at complete turmoil and peace.
At the peak of everything, the word itself goes black and I am gone from existence itself.
My mind feels like it doesn't belong to me. The darkness trapping my heart is out to encase my thoughts and few memories as well. Nothing is natural. Urges to scream, cry, and laugh are merging into one mess, leaving me stranded and at a loss.
A mixture of fear and excitement is spurring within me. Why, I do not know. Why excitement of all emotions?
I look out the window into the night sky. The full moon is somewhat shrouded by thin almost transparent clouds. The night is calm but my heart is not.
Then suddenly, as if to match my unrest, I see something like a star appear right near the moon, a little under it, to the left. It glows and for a second I thought something passed through me. I hold my breath and the beating of my heart increased in speed and intensity.
Suddenly, images are flashing in front of my eyes. A weird feeling of nostalgia is coming over me. Snapshots of people and places I feel like I know are flooding through my mind. A girl surrounded by numerous books and other trinkets, a constant struggle between light and dark, a young man with something like darkness swirling in his eyes, a garden of flowers not known to this earth, a raging battle between the powerful and the misunderstood, majestic white rooms that rival heaven itself, a girl like the other flowing in a mixture of black and white, a sunset calmer yet more frightening than any other, a lavender castle-shaped cloud.
Something clicks. I have no knowledge of what is going on, but I can understand. I am unsure, but confident, for only a moment, I am at complete turmoil and peace.
At the peak of everything, the word itself goes black and I am gone from existence itself.
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